One of the big things that has happened over the last few weeks - is that feeling of no control over my life. It may seem strange but I believe it is intrinsically linked to my miscarriage. The fact is there is so much which is out of my hands. Getting pregnant isn't even something I can just go out and try. It has to be planned and tried for. Everything about my conceptions has been controlled. But losing my baby I had no control over. Added to that is the stress of work - and the feeling I have no control over the utter misery I feel every day when I get into work - and I feel my whole life is a waiting game or a loss of control. Right now I am waiting for AF (which has decided to go on holidays), waiting for my contract to finish, waiting on job interviews, waiting for dates to pass... All I have no control over. I am not a control freak, but I like routine and plans. At 36 I still feel like I am a child with everyone else dictating how I should live my life. All this has been compounded by my horrid work situation and feeling like I have no options. And the fact I should have my baby in my arms and not in heaven.
I need some control to return to my life. Or order. But I am so tired I am not even sure where to start. I want to be pregnant again, but I need a new job first. Yet, I will not wait, and just hope the universe supports me and helps me on the right path. Right now I feel I am in no mans land. Even my husband turned around and said - I thought we left this feeling of complete self worthlessness in last year.... my reply - so did I.
I am adding this link here. Worth reading. Well timed for me.I need to start telling myself IT IS OKAY TO FEEL THIS WAY.
Monday 20 January 2014
Thursday 2 January 2014
Dealing with a due date that will never happen.
In just under two weeks, it will be my due date. Exactly 40 weeks since I had my IUI which resulted in my pregnancy. It is a very emotional time. I find myself crying again and feeling the loss all over again. My friends babies are coming due, and it is tough. Everytime I see a baby I just want to hold it and love it - like I would have mine.
On top of that I am lactating. I have no idea why - I don't think I ever dried up from when my son weened, but I can feel small letdowns happening, which is why I realised I was still lactating. Almost like my body knows this is the time I should have had the baby - or it is a result of my last cycle. I don't know.
At any rate, I am glad that I will be spending the week before our due date with my family on a family road trip. I am hoping getting past this time will allow me to really move forward. I hope I don't start seeing every year as a potential birthday - in many ways I really would like to just step forward into a fresh year with fresh hope.
How do others cope? I know I am not coping brilliantly, I am eating poorly and putting on weight, and exhausted, and dreaming like a mad woman. This grief process has been so long. I have good and bad days, but it is 2014, the final part of this journey of loss. Hopefully the next part of my journey is full of rainbows...
Happy new year to you all though :) I did get to enjoy it with my family - but I got a lot of questions from a pregnant friend about what happened in my life (I told them it involved some losses but that was it). That did not help - I know she meant the best, but people are so nosey. Still my son was so much fun, and I loved seeing him up and playing and having a wonderful time. He is my world! Both our kids are, one is blood the other through marriage, but both bring so much joy... that is what I need to focus on.
On top of that I am lactating. I have no idea why - I don't think I ever dried up from when my son weened, but I can feel small letdowns happening, which is why I realised I was still lactating. Almost like my body knows this is the time I should have had the baby - or it is a result of my last cycle. I don't know.
At any rate, I am glad that I will be spending the week before our due date with my family on a family road trip. I am hoping getting past this time will allow me to really move forward. I hope I don't start seeing every year as a potential birthday - in many ways I really would like to just step forward into a fresh year with fresh hope.
How do others cope? I know I am not coping brilliantly, I am eating poorly and putting on weight, and exhausted, and dreaming like a mad woman. This grief process has been so long. I have good and bad days, but it is 2014, the final part of this journey of loss. Hopefully the next part of my journey is full of rainbows...
Happy new year to you all though :) I did get to enjoy it with my family - but I got a lot of questions from a pregnant friend about what happened in my life (I told them it involved some losses but that was it). That did not help - I know she meant the best, but people are so nosey. Still my son was so much fun, and I loved seeing him up and playing and having a wonderful time. He is my world! Both our kids are, one is blood the other through marriage, but both bring so much joy... that is what I need to focus on.
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